Day 3

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Giver her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate." - Proverbs 31: 10-31 (NIV)

As my six week bible study on the virtuous woman comes to a close, I can't help but be thankful for the women in my life who have led by example. They have been my family members, mentors, co-workers and friends. They all make the task of being virtuous look so effortless, but that is part of what makes them the kind of women I look up to. Thank you ladies for showing me what this woman looks like in a 21st century world.

Day 2

As bitter-sweet as this is to say, today I am grateful for a reduction in class size. The second grade classrooms had filled to 22-23 students per teacher and our principal was able to obtain an EIP position to place an additional teacher in our grade-level. I say this was bitter-sweet because I truly had a dream group of students this year. They were all so sweet that it did not seem like there were 22 in my class. However, the cramped quarters, noise level, and the constant need to split myself 22 ways made every day an exhausting challenge. As much as I hated to say goodbye to three of my precious students, I know that moving them to a smaller classroom was what was best for them as well as for those students left in my class. It was amazing how much more individualized attention I was able to bring to each student! Now I will have a better opportunity to properly serve my students and challenge them appropriately! :)

Day 1

There is a great deal to be thankful for today. I am glad the school was open today. Because of this I have been able to work at my leisure without stress or interruption. I am hopeful that this extra time spent at work now will allow me to enjoy every moment with Chandler when he comes home. :)
I am also thankful for the chill in the air when I woke up this morning. I love fall! I love the color change in trees; I love the smell of cinnamon and pumpkin spice; I love the excuse to bake yummy breads and pies loaded with sugars and carbs; and I also love the excuse to drink hot drinks and take warm baths that warm my bones in the evening! There is an excitement in the air as people prepare for Halloween and diligently cheer for their favorite football teams. My own memories of Friday night football bring me back to a more care-free time. This reminder of the glory days makes me think of the importance of making the most of my time here and I am ready to go out and embrace what God has given me!

The Plan

As a perpetual Eeyore, I have discovered a need to acknowledge the joys I experience in my life. I have so much to be thankful for - even the difficult and painful situations I have been through in recent years have helped to mold and shape the person I am right now, and I am thankful for that. I may not have had fun or enjoyed every minute of the journey, but there are many aspects of my life that I am thankful for and in which I find great joy. Over the next 45 days I will catalog the moments that help bring me joy, be they easy, difficult or just plain silly.

Finding Peace

It started as a small charm on my wrist and morphed into a ring that fits on my right hand. Daisies for the simple beauty and serenity I derive from them, and diamonds for the memories I want to both love and forget. The precious gifts we never fully knew will forever be a part of me; and so I celebrate what God has given and taken away. As I have watched the growth and first accomplishments of other children I can’t help but morn the friend they will never know.  Every birthday party, video or picture on Facebook, every new family edition elicits sincere joy and sorrow within me. I am so grateful to be a part of these treasured moments and cannot wait until we can share these moments with our own special child. Until then, I will continue to relish in the delightful moments set out before me. I pray that one day I will have the chance to finally meet the two lives I never knew.

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that YOU would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested. (1 Chronicles 4:10 NKJV)

In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if YOU will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." (1 Sam 1:10-11, NIV)

Perspective

So I have had about two weeks seeking answers to the feelings I have been having with this deployment that I was not expecting. I went on vacation with friends,

had lunch with a fellow team wife, and considered advice from other experienced military wives. I also did some web-surfing and came upon the following website.

Her War, Her Voice

The discussion posted on this particular page about the emotional cycle of deployment was an eye-opening one. It seems to be right on the money (at least with the first two stages) with what I am going through. I expected sadness and frustration, but I did not expect anger. I believe I am in the middle of this particular stage...angry at the world. What's worse, I have been beating myself up for feeling that way because I did not think it was normal. I am not angry at him, but at the situation and myself. Turns out this is a legitimate stage in the grieving process. I only hope I blow through these stages quickly and head straight for acceptance. Now that my perspective of this deployment has shifted, I am seeing a very ugly of me. I have spent so much time suffocating myself with my own thoughts and feelings. I am seeing how selfish and immature that makes me. I should be more cognizant of what Chandler is going through instead of just focusing on my own feelings. I need to be understanding of the stress he is experiencing and try to push past my anger and frustration so that I may be able to view this situation in a positive light. I know there is a positive side of everything, and I strive to find it so that I can begin to live again. Any good biblical verses that would help me gain a more positive attitude?

Here we go

The deployment has officially begun. I have been looking through other people's profiles and blogs and have noticed a trend of eternal optimism. I wonder if I will ever be able to find this same optimism, but am also curious how much of it is real and how much of it is women telling themselves what they want to be feeling (whether they are feeling it or not). It's not that I'm pessimistic about the outcomes of safety during this time. In fact, I am surprisingly not overly-worried about that aspect right now. What I am pessimistic about is how easy it will be just to "stay busy" and "it will all be over with before I know it". I'm sure it will go by quickly, but staying busy doesn't take my mind off of things like everyone says it will and that leaves me feeling weak and abnormal. If all of these women truly are able to be strong and get by telling themselves "I'm in the swing of things now, and staying busy will help things go by faster" than why am I so weak? And if there is weakness behind these mantras, why can't anyone admit that's what they are? At least then I might not feel so alone and wrong.
I admit I need to take on a great deal of that blame for not reaching out and asking questions about this to other military wives. It's just very difficult to bring it up when everyone seems to be trying to keep their minds off of their feelings. Hmmm... Guess I just need to get over it, "keep busy", and "get into the swing of the new routines". Anybody who has some tips on how to do these things, I would greatly appreciate it.