Day 22-24

I confess I am struggling to look on the bright side of things right now. The time for Chandler to come home is getting closer and I am strangely more fraught with frustration and sadness than I have been since he left. However, I know that joy is not always found in happiness. Sometimes struggles are required to understand and feel true joy. I know God is using this time to help me grow into the woman I am supposed to be, but I currently find myself questioning my work and abilities as a wife and potential mother. If I am perfectly honest with myself, I know that the perfectionist in me who wants to prove my worth at work has taken on too many responsibilities and I am feeling more and more incapable of adequately performing my duties. On top of this, I find I am so consumed with myself that I am not nurturing the relationships that make my job so special (the students I currently teach and have previously taught as well as the co-workers who have become my family and friends). I know I can love and encourage my students. I know I would be a much better teacher if I were craftier and more diligent in creating a more rich environment for my students. I know I would be better at these things with the proper support, but the truth is it just does not exist in our current educational environment. There are many amazing men and women who do a phenomenal job of providing these things for their students with love, patience, grace and humility all while keeping up with student work, paperwork, and familial duties at home as well. These men and women continue to amaze me, but I constantly find myself falling short. I ask myself annually if this is truly where I am supposed to be, or if I am stubbornly sticking to it because I want to prove myself worthy of standing with these amazing people. There are days when I feel things are going great, but this month it has become too difficult and I feel like I am letting people down left and right. I look forward to learning how God is using this time to strengthen me. Until then, I am grateful for the wisdom I have gained in previous times of frustration and distress, and I pray I do not end up burning bridges here in the final stretch of this deployment!