Perspective

So I have had about two weeks seeking answers to the feelings I have been having with this deployment that I was not expecting. I went on vacation with friends,

had lunch with a fellow team wife, and considered advice from other experienced military wives. I also did some web-surfing and came upon the following website.

Her War, Her Voice

The discussion posted on this particular page about the emotional cycle of deployment was an eye-opening one. It seems to be right on the money (at least with the first two stages) with what I am going through. I expected sadness and frustration, but I did not expect anger. I believe I am in the middle of this particular stage...angry at the world. What's worse, I have been beating myself up for feeling that way because I did not think it was normal. I am not angry at him, but at the situation and myself. Turns out this is a legitimate stage in the grieving process. I only hope I blow through these stages quickly and head straight for acceptance. Now that my perspective of this deployment has shifted, I am seeing a very ugly of me. I have spent so much time suffocating myself with my own thoughts and feelings. I am seeing how selfish and immature that makes me. I should be more cognizant of what Chandler is going through instead of just focusing on my own feelings. I need to be understanding of the stress he is experiencing and try to push past my anger and frustration so that I may be able to view this situation in a positive light. I know there is a positive side of everything, and I strive to find it so that I can begin to live again. Any good biblical verses that would help me gain a more positive attitude?

Here we go

The deployment has officially begun. I have been looking through other people's profiles and blogs and have noticed a trend of eternal optimism. I wonder if I will ever be able to find this same optimism, but am also curious how much of it is real and how much of it is women telling themselves what they want to be feeling (whether they are feeling it or not). It's not that I'm pessimistic about the outcomes of safety during this time. In fact, I am surprisingly not overly-worried about that aspect right now. What I am pessimistic about is how easy it will be just to "stay busy" and "it will all be over with before I know it". I'm sure it will go by quickly, but staying busy doesn't take my mind off of things like everyone says it will and that leaves me feeling weak and abnormal. If all of these women truly are able to be strong and get by telling themselves "I'm in the swing of things now, and staying busy will help things go by faster" than why am I so weak? And if there is weakness behind these mantras, why can't anyone admit that's what they are? At least then I might not feel so alone and wrong.
I admit I need to take on a great deal of that blame for not reaching out and asking questions about this to other military wives. It's just very difficult to bring it up when everyone seems to be trying to keep their minds off of their feelings. Hmmm... Guess I just need to get over it, "keep busy", and "get into the swing of the new routines". Anybody who has some tips on how to do these things, I would greatly appreciate it.