Her War, Her Voice
The discussion posted on this particular page about the emotional cycle of deployment was an eye-opening one. It seems to be right on the money (at least with the first two stages) with what I am going through. I expected sadness and frustration, but I did not expect anger. I believe I am in the middle of this particular stage...angry at the world. What's worse, I have been beating myself up for feeling that way because I did not think it was normal. I am not angry at him, but at the situation and myself. Turns out this is a legitimate stage in the grieving process. I only hope I blow through these stages quickly and head straight for acceptance. Now that my perspective of this deployment has shifted, I am seeing a very ugly of me. I have spent so much time suffocating myself with my own thoughts and feelings. I am seeing how selfish and immature that makes me. I should be more cognizant of what Chandler is going through instead of just focusing on my own feelings. I need to be understanding of the stress he is experiencing and try to push past my anger and frustration so that I may be able to view this situation in a positive light. I know there is a positive side of everything, and I strive to find it so that I can begin to live again. Any good biblical verses that would help me gain a more positive attitude?
Lauryn,
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how difficult this is and I applause you for putting it out there for us to share with you. I am ALWAYS here if you just need an ear to listen to you vent. The scripture that helps me keep my attitude in check is this:
Philippians 4:4-8
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
5 Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
Praying for you! HUGS!
So I had a whole comment written out the other day and then blogger lost it. So, I'll try this again :-D
ReplyDeleteSo I had a whole comment written out the other day and then blogger lost it. So, I'll try this again :-D
I remember when I lived in China going through similar emotions. At first you love your new culture, then you really hate it. At some point I reached an equilibrium. But I remember going through times of utter anger and frustration.
When you said that you saw ugly coming out of you, it reminded me of one of my mission professors who said that going on the field would pull out all kinds of negative things out of you that you didn't know existed. He was so right. And I think it isn't just the mission field. It's any circumstance that stretches us to the max. I've seen it over and over in my life. Looking back, I see how the stretching was positive and made me look at myself and grow my character, but it certainly wasn't fun at the time.
I think God is molding you into a beautiful jar of clay. This anger will not end in destruction, but in a gorgeous Lauryn: "We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Cor 4:7-9).
I want you to know, too, that Roger and I are constantly praying for both you and Chandler. We love you so much!